Tag Archives: adulthood

Aside

Mum has decided to spend the entire day on the patio. I get her set up in the lounge chair, with a pillow behind her head, and a lap robe to keep her from becoming chilled. Her lunch is on … Continue reading

Or am I

Emily Marucci

I am not who you think I am. Or am I?

A constant struggle with self.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one with a shipwrecked heart amongst a sea of people that don’t allow themselves to feel deeply enough.

I am fucking sensitive. But I’d rather feel and be misunderstood than be a shadow or glimpse of my true being.

When I feel like an unsubstantial street pin in the big city of lost souls, I remind myself who I am by thinking of things I believe in.

I believe bob dylan couldn’t sing, and that it’s possible I can’t write.

I believe things always change for the better.

I believe life is not to live in longing.

I believe in walking through the streets and pretending they are empty.

I believe in wondering “if it was really in my head.”

I believe in wisdom in old people.

I believe in losing myself for a few minutes a day.

I believe in watching my tears disappear in my hands within moments.

I believe in being fearless for the fall of love.

I believe in never painting my darkness golden.

I believe in never erasing my wrong words–i would be left silent.

I believe in fear.

I believe in collecting scars.

I believe that technology can sometimes create clouds around our beings that multiply into memories that we can no longer see.

I believe. Complex conquers simplicity.

Constantly wondering .. If you really knew me.

Am I dysfunctional? I sure hope I am.

-By Emily Marucci.

Aside

The days pass slowly, and I am operating on auto-pilot….getting Mum up every morning, moving her to and from the wheel chair, preparing meals that sit, barely touched on the plate, until she asks that they be put in the … Continue reading

A Monologue of My Feet

Horizon, by Tomatoskin, Flickr

I give you a kiss, and I run in the opposite direction. It’s no offense to you; really. It’s my gut, telling me to run away. Well, running is what we should all do. Run toward what we love. Let nothing hold us back. And when it does hold us back? Get strong, and run from it. Eventually.

Bags packed. Smile on my face. Tears streaming down my cheeks. OH, I can’t help it. Goodbyes are not easy (to perform without crying). Goodbyes aren’t hard when you need them. But goodbyes with no tears? Not possible.

Eyes on the horizon. That line, speaking only of the possibilities that are unknown to me. That’s all that’s possible. In that moment. Are the unknowns. And that’s totally enough.

I love you all. And as I run away from you all, I think about how you’ll be okay. That we all go in our own directions sometimes. That running is all we can do. That running IS the answer. Staying? Staying kills. Run toward what you love.

You ran, right? Now, it’s my turn.
-me

Onto

if only i could turn back time, by Jenny Stone, Flickr

I was diagnosed with bipolar II this week. At first I was in denial, but now looking over my life (especially this past year) it explains a lot.

This bout of mania started in March. It was triggered when I cheated on a girl I was dating (who was so incredibly amazing, sweet and nice) with my ex-gf. I impulsively broke the lease of a shitty apartment I was in and moved to a fancy loft in the heart of downtown which was double the rent I was paying before. At this time, I started DJing regularly at clubs and hanging out with party kids. I was drinking heavily and instead of taking care of all the unopened envelopes that kept piling up, I wasted time with my friends in a drunken daze, pissing off the people who were concerned and cared about me. I didn’t care. I was on top of the world and I wanted to be out in the sun, hanging out on the tops of buildings, laying around in pools & boats and having sex with whoever was around. I was in love with everything. I felt unstoppable.

>This lasted for a few months. I took trips that I couldn’t afford, opened new credit cards, bought a $2000 computer, went out to eat & drink constantly and smoked a ton of weed.

And now the debt collectors are calling. I still haven’t filed my state taxes. Significant people in my life have now cut me out of theirs. My power is going to get disconnected in 3 days and my bank account is in the negative.

I keep grabbing but now there’s nothing left to hold on to.

-nooneslooking

Gallery

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My father lives with me. I’m 4 months away from turning 34. He showed up at my door in 2000, and said he and my mother had split up, and could he sleep on my couch that night. He’s mostly … Continue reading

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